Trying to be Perfect
by JeromeSankara
Summary: Zero wants to be perfect. And nothing will get in the way of that. Not even the sight of destroying himself in front of the one who truly sees him as perfect. Warnings, deals with eating disorders. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Kaname x Zero


Perfection came easy to Kaname. He woke up perfect, he ate perfectly, every single movement was perfect... Hell, even his shit was perfect.

...Well Zero didn't quite know that for sure, but it might as well be.

Flush up next to his boyfriend, Zero's amethyst eyes stared at the muscle that laid before him, a plentiful bounty all for him to take and consume all for himself. It was all for him... Gods couldn't have done a better job when they made Kaname's body, but he assumed that came with being a pureblood. Why not be perfect if you had perfection in your blood.

He could feel Kaname's hand delicately rising up and down Zero's back, following his spine and sending perfect tendrils of pleasure through his body once more. The pureblood was simply oozing with it today... It was as if nothing in the world could bring Kaname down. Not a knife to the chest, a slicing of a limb, not even a bullet to the brain. He just was...

...Perfect.

Unlike the hunter that the pureblood contained in his arms, willingly or not.

"...What are you thinking about?"

The soft breath brushed against his silver hair, though Zero didn't need to look up. The soft nuzzle to his head already told him in volumes that Kaname was interested in his thoughts, wanting to know what kept the young hunter so quiet after such a ravaging experience of passion. Normally Zero would be up for another round, but this time... He just didn't have it in his body. Not as he recollected every swift movement Kaname had given to him for pleasure, making every nerve in his body tingle and stand on end. Every thrust and caress...

"...Nothing, it's just a long day," Zero murmured, tucking his head a little deeper underneath Kaname's chin.

He didn't even want to begin to think about today, not that there had been anything wrong with it. Zero actually had it quite peaceful and soft, compared to the rough lifestyle that he normally lead. It started with Zero being roused from sleep by Kaname, only to be served a delicious large breakfast. Then they relaxed on the couch, watching movies as they normally did. Add in dinner and supper, and maybe playing around in bed, and that was their day. Quiet. Soft.

Maybe that was what Zero was thinking about... Softness. He could see how it had been affecting his body, the sharpness of his mind, as if he was becoming nothing but jello.

His stomach was the first sign. It wasn't the tight, hard muscle that he once cared for. It instead was growing plush, like a... bowl of pudding. He had to get rid of the fucking thing.

Next was his energy. That had been taking a tumble, too. He could feel his tiredness during love making, something that hasn't happened for a very long time. The last time had been when he had been half dead. Not the best time to have sex, but hey, it was the heat of the moment. Plus the thought of not taking control of that sweaty, bloody beast that stood before him had been out of the question.

More was in his arms, his legs, muscle turning to slush. But that wasn't as bad as it was his thoughts. His instinct, his hunting. It was failing him again... And like fuck if it was because of age, he was still younger than Kaname even if he really was eighteen or nineteen. ...Okay, he was almost twenty, but Kaname was just shy of over ten thousand years. Zero is but an embryo to Kaname's age.

But now here he was, exhausted, out of shape, staring at his own fat rolls that taunted him. The scale lied to him, saying that he was normal weight... If anything, it should be ten, twenty more pounds. Yet Kaname just chuckled at Zero's weighing himself, scoffing that he was fine and as beautiful as ever. But that was only because Kaname saw no need to step onto the scale, to stare at the numbers that met him...

Kaname was perfect. He will be for the rest of his eternal life if his blood had anything to say about it.

Zero was faintly aware of soft murmurs coming to his ears, probably something that Zero shouldn't worry about anything, that Kaname would take care of anything that was on his mind... But he didn't want Kaname to keep tending to him, nurturing him and fawning over him as if he was simply an injured kit. And as he stubbornly pushed his head against Kaname's hard chest, he pulled together any determination left in his body.

He had to fix this.

* * *

"...I'm on a diet."

Surprised crimson orbs looked back to the hardened amethysts, only for him to look down onto the bowl.

"...But it's ramen," the gawking pureblood stumbled, staring at noodles that had almost not been touched.

"I'm getting my weight under control, that's all. I just need to lose a couple of pounds and I'll be back to what I was before," Zero answered, looking down at the bowl as he let his chop stick delicately poke through the remaining noodles. He would simply save it for later, for dinner. There was no need to eat all that extra noodles, not when he knew they would make a new home of his hips and stomach.

Though as if to give Kaname peace at mind, the hunter let out a sigh and raised the sticks to his lips, eating just a few more noodles, only to set them back down. "I've been getting slower and I gotta stay in shape when the season comes up again," Zero grunted, as if he needed more explanation to make sure the pureblood wouldn't say anything about it.

Stubbornly, the hunter looked to the side, staring at some dark corner as he ignored the clawing at his stomach, begging to take more of the ramen, but Zero was stronger than that, after all. He was stronger than a bowl of ramen, and soon his body would be too.

"What _season? _Kaien removed you from the eligible assignments five months ago! We agreed on this, remember? So we can spend more time together, as you had wanted, may I add." None of those words meant to be as harsh as they sounded, as Kaname's tone of surprise and confusion managed to take the edge off. But Zero couldn't help but growl at the words. Level Es were more active in the summer, already starting to feast and gorge themselves so they can survive another winter... That was also when they were the most dangerous, willing to take a bite out of anything, and anyone.

"I didn't say it was forever. I gotta go back eventually and you can't keep me away," he huffed as he pushed the bowl away, though knowing that he had made the food for himself. Why not get the temptations out of the way now... Make his favorite food then force himself not to eat it. It would make the rest of this transition much easier...

Silence met his words as the hunter started to pull himself out of his seat, shoving it back into its place as if to end the conversation. Though Zero already knew that a simple diet wouldn't fix things... As he gathered the bowl and utensils and calmly walked past his still confused lover, he did not hesitate to walk to the trash can, already deciding that he would not let the temptation sit there and mock him.

As the ramen fell from the bowl and into the darkness, he knew that this was only the beginning.

Only he did not know just where this road will end up taking him.

* * *

A right hook sank into the punching bag, making it swing restlessly, though already returning for another beating. A slam from the left made it try to run for freedom, only for it to soon change his mind and come charging back. More punches smacked into the bag, though it didn't seem to do anything to detour the bag. Only once pain screamed in his knuckles beneath tightly wrapped cloth did the hunter on the losing end finally give up, though it wouldn't be long before he faced his challenger again.

Sweat dripped down his forehead, making silvery hair stick to his skin, but with very drop that fell, he knew it was one less drop to lose. The numbers that had started to decline on the scale was a good start, and he may have already hit close to his few pound goal, but he was just getting started. After all, he could always lose more. Stack that fat into muscle. Become the killing machine that he once was. He would not be the one Kaname had to pamper like a poodle.

Shaking his aching hands to try to rid the pain, he stared down at the bright red splotches that marked the once white wraps. They opened up again... His skin was still too soft, not use to enduring the pain that he once was able to. His entire body was too soft for him...

Growling as he tightened the wraps, punishing his bleeding knuckles for being so weak, he turned to the bag again. He took a step back, amethyst eyes burning into the taunting bag still lightly swaying, before he burst forward for another attack. But as his fist smacked into it, the bag did not waver an inch.

"I thought I would find you here. This is the third time today, Zero."

A glare was thrown to the ruby eyes, barely noticing the hint of concern that the older pureblood held. His breath was still heavy from his last burst of energy already wavering, still too pathetic to muster anything besides average. "...Season's coming up," the excuse came again, and he did not hesitate to strike another blow into the bag. Kaname didn't even flinch on the other side...

Still too weak.

"Season has nothing to do with you. It's nearly noon, come to bed." Of course the vampire didn't want him up still... Kaname had been watching every single one of his movements lately, narrowed eyes and a frown always curved into his face. He would pester Zero with food, offering candies and chocolate, but Zero refused every time. There was no need to be pampered.

Another punch was thrown, yet Kaname had been ready for it, absorbing the force on the other side to the point that it felt like a brick wall had taken the bag's place. "...Fucking move, I can't practice with you holding onto it!" Zero hissed, knowing fully well that Kaname's strength was far past whatever he could ever do. A pureblood compared to a Level D, fuck, why did he expect anything else.

But the pureblood held still, his brows knit together as he stared down at Zero, obviously unpleased. Though his eyes were tracing over his form, watching as Zero trembled not with rage, but with tiredness. He had been working his body too hard, Zero knew that, but he was use to having his limits pushed... This was just to get himself back in shape, to drop the fat off of his body.

As Kaname simply stood there, Zero's patience was already wearing thin. "Fuck, fine! What the hell do you want me to do!"

"I want you to stop this behavior."

Zero snorted. Over the last week or two, Kaname had done nothing but complain. Eat something, get off the scale, why are you so moody, don't go back down to the training room again, day in and day out. It was a wonder how Zero managed to put up with Kaname for the past two years... "I'm serious, Zero. You're hurting yourself and you don't even know it. I don't know what brought all of this on, but it has to stop."

"...It's not hurting me-"

"Don't stand there and tell me it's not! You haven't been like this, Zero. I don't care if you weigh a couple extra pounds, in fact I think you're per-"

"I'm not fucking perfect! Don't you dare say that shit!" Zero finally snapped, burning rage throwing itself at Kaname to the point that he saw his face pale a couple shades. The air turned thick and tense, choking all at the same time as their eyes stared down at one another. One had to break... And it wasn't going to be Zero. Seconds felt like they were hours as he flared his nostrils, only for him to bluntly turn away and stalk to the stairs. Fine, he would find something else to do...

Anything to get Kaname out of his hair.

* * *

"...Zero, you've been in there for almost an hour."

"I'm almost done, just let me finish."

His voice hollowly echoed in the empty bathroom, and he couldn't help but hear the groan outside the door. Kaname wouldn't understand anyway... There were at least a few other bathrooms on this floor alone, why not bother to go somewhere else? Maybe because this one was the only one that held the scale, and Kaname wanted to gloat once more over his perfect weight...

Because Zero was still staring at the number that greeted him.

155\. Still not good enough.

He had already blown past his original target weight within the first week, but he couldn't stop himself now. He could see it in the middle that he had not changed. Fat still gathered on his stomach, taunting him with gentle jiggles as he moved. His arms had fat hanging on them, obvious with each movement. His thighs were thick, not even with muscle but just... thick. But now he was reaching a new problem...

The scars.

They stretched over his body, once known as his prizes to having battled over the years through horrid things in his life. Now they stare at him, taunting him with the fact that they were not to be forgotten when he wanted them to. Kaname had no scars... His skin was flawless as a marble statue. No, they mocked him with the roughness, like crevices the young hunter must once again battle through. His eyes traced the scars that ran across his shoulder, rough claws having dragged him down. It had been his first kill as a hunter, but now it mocked him with shame, that he had been touched and ravaged.

Bites touched his throat, bearing not only Shizuka's bite but even the nips Kaname would give him. They still held strong, and almost scorched deeper with each passing glance. Others flecked and crossed over the surface of his naked body, and the hunter knew he had to do something about it... But the more he stared at his ugly reflection, staring at the fat, the lack of muscle, the imperfections of his body... Anger welled up inside him, pooling, bubbling, thrusting to the surface...

_Smash._

Kaname jumped on the other side of the door, his eyes jolting wide at the sound of glass breaking. What the hell had Zero done now...? Worry seeped through him, his anger at Zero taking forever after his shower now wasting away. "...Zero?" Kaname called, waiting for Zero to say that he had just been clumsy and had broken something. But the answer didn't come as soon as he expected, no growls or grumbles at Zero's misfortune, and a rock fell into his stomach.

He knocked on the wood door, then pressed his ear to the wood. He could hear shuffling... The sound of glass being moved. He must just be cleaning up, not wanting Kaname to come in and pierce himself on the shards... Even during this spat, Zero still was careful to not harm his lover. Though the soft sigh of relief was cut short as a scent spiked from the room.

Blood.

In a heartbeat, Kaname's shoulder slammed against the wood, nearly making it collapse in one hit. Terror had made the pureblood forget about simply using his powers, not when he didn't know what had happen. Had Zero fallen and hit the glass? Was he unconscious, bleeding out? "Zero!" Kaname called as he slammed his shoulder once more to the locked door.

"Open the door! Open the-" The third slam worked, and wood crumbled beneath the pureblood's shoulder. Splinters gashed into him, but he gave no care. Not when Zero would be harmed... Though as he gained his composure, he nearly lost it once more as he stared at the sight before him.

His lover huddled on the floor, still crouched on top of the scale that read the painfully tiny numbers. In his hand was the glass shard, shattered from the mirror. It was being raked across Zero's arm, scraping and clawing against a fleck of a tiny scar, raking across it as it peeled the skin back...

"...Gotta hide it... gotta... get rid of... it..."

Zero's raspy words made the pureblood tremble as he could only stare at Zero's shaking, naked body, dull amethyst eyes staring into the wound as blood poured over the edges. It dripped onto the scale, and he could almost see the needle tremble as if relieved that more weight had been added. Because the Zero that sat before him was maybe a shell of himself...

A bony... hollow shell.

His ribs erratically thrust in and out with each ragged breath Zero took. His stomach was sucked away, and his hips jutted out awkwardly, as if this was now just a skeleton with skin.

"Zero, stop!"

Choked words were all Kaname could say as he sprang forward, grabbing the sharp shard and throwing it to who knows where, only for arms to be thrown around the tiny body that sat before him. He could feel sticky blood against his stomach, and Zero still was staring down at his arm, as if still confused... "...Zero, you gotta stop this... It's killing you," Kaname tried his best to keep his voice strong, nearly crushing Zero into his grasp.

All Zero could do was stare at the wound as it poured out blood, only to blink as a hand suddenly covered it. Blood trickled between Kaname's fingers as he attempted to slow the bleeding, before giving up and bringing his fat arm to his lips. Kaname's tongue crossed over the gash, doing his best to heal the wound before he could bleed himself out... Though as skin stitched together, he could already see raggedness beginning to cross.

No. Not another scar.

With a beastly snarl that didn't seem to match his own body, the hunter pulled his arm away, his eyes staring down onto the new scar already beginning to form, more ugly and disgusting than the last... Damn it, what was he going to have to do! Shred every part of his skin and grow a new one like a snake? But his eyes momentarily looked past his arm, staring at the scale that sat beneath them, and his eyes nearly bulged out of his skull.

The scale readings were off the chart. The needle begged for the weight to be removed from it, from Zero's bulging fat to finally be lifted... Of course Zero forgot the fact of Kaname scooping him into his arms, adding their combined weight.

No, he saw a huge, fat number staring at him in the face.

He didn't care of Kaname's snarls or words that were thrown at him, not as he stared at the number, and felt his body shatter to pieces. He was starting all over again. Not even as Kaname managed to follow his glance to the scale, only for arms to tighten around his disgusting body.

"..._Don't look at it!"_

The scale was swiped out from underneath them in an instant, and Zero caught pain-wrecked eyes growing wide. The scale that had punished him so much was raised high in the air with Kaname's quivering hands, before it was slammed down. Pieces flew, hitting Zero's knees and scattering across the bathroom floor.

"It's destroying us! It's killing us! Don't look at it!"

Kaname's screech rang in the bathroom, shaking Zero to the core as the machine was smashed to the floor, cutting into the tile and into Kaname's unprotected hands. It smashed over and over, and Zero could faintly see the tears dropping down from Kaname's face as he smashed it, as if it was the bane of his existence.

"Don't do this again, Zero! Don't let this damn thing kill us!"

As Zero watched his lover in horror as he smashed every bit of the machine to pieces, his heart crumbled and fell away. What had he been doing this entire time... But as he swallowed down the tears and watched as Kaname pushed himself off the floor and raced out of the room, still snarling and screeching, he couldn't help but think, just for a moment, that he could stop...

That he was done with this.

That he could get past this and fight above it, to get back to normal.

...He could do this.

* * *

...He didn't.

Weeks had passed. Zero had masked himself well. He would eat for Kaname, take in everything he wanted...

Only for it to go into the toilet soon after. He couldn't stand the thought of the food sitting in his stomach, absorbing into himself and giving the fat some much wanted love. No, he was still fighting it... Though as the days stretched on, so did his strength, to the point of snapping. He could barely walk up and down the stairs any longer, not without taking a break. That could be fixed with exercising, he told himself. But after a few swings at the bag, he was sitting on the floor, nearly blacking out.

It had to be the house, he told himself. It was just too crushing... He just needed to get the hunting over with, to prove it to himself.

To prove that he wasn't soft, that he could be perfect like Kaname.

It had been easy at first. Take the latest assignment, the Level E's that had fallen a while ago and were now like pest. It would be the easiest to get back into the swing of things...

But what he had not been prepared for, though, was a pack.

It was as if they had sensed the dying, the weakened, the soft.

Zero didn't remember much... not now, not as he stared through fogged eyes. Shapes were swirling above him, sometimes darkening, sometimes too bright to see. There would be a sound of a voice, and he could see flicks of bring crimson sometimes. But then it would darken and he would fade again. He felt movement, but was too tired to open his eyes again. Voices were around him, some louder than others. They spoke rapidly, and sometimes he caught a word.

_'...Level E's attack...'_

_'malnutrition...'_

_'...wounds.'_

Wounds. Scars.

"D-...don't..." the word slipped from numb lips, and he could have sworn that he heard a cry, before darkness claimed him again.

Even now there was no escaping from the demons that plagued him.

* * *

Zero had been staring at that tube connected to his arm for nearly an hour, pushing liquids into his arm, fattening it. If he had the strength, he would pluck it right out, rip it to shreds, forbidding it to come close to him again. It was undoing everything... All his hard work, months of effort... It was all going away...

"...Zero, you have to stop," was the voice that came from the seat just beside his bed.

His amethyst eyes looked up, and met the familiar crimsons he had seen many times. The rest of the form was blurred, but he was almost sure it was Kaname. He hadn't moved from his bedside, not once.

"...Look at what it's done to you... You could have died," the pleading came again, and Zero let it pass. He was use to the words by now, always telling him that he shouldn't do this... But Kaname didn't understand... Didn't understand what it was like, to be a failure. To not be perfect.

Yagari had told him many times in his youth. Taking his brother's body should have made him perfect, he said... But no, he was just as pathetic as a child. Training had been hard on him, all in Yagari's effort to make him perfect... But at the end of the day, he would scowl, all but spit in his face, only to wipe his hands of Zero and forget that he existed.

But as he was lost in his thoughts, he suddenly felt a hand touch his cheek, and something wet dripped onto his forehead. He looked up, staring once more into crimsons, only to see the water that lingered in them, clouding them, and the pain nearly drove him to death just by staring at him. It was one moment of clarity he had been given, to see the eyes that stared down at him...

"I-I don't want you to die...!" the sob broke from Kaname, and the tears fell faster. They dripped onto his head, and the hand clenched harder, as if he was about to lose the one thing he was grasping onto.

"Y-you don't have to be... perfect... You're perfect for me..."

...Perfect.

There was that word again, the one he wanted to fade from all existence. But as he stared into those eyes, the ones full of love yet pain, he realized that he just couldn't bear to see that emotion of pain. They didn't belong in those perfect crimson eyes... The ones that he slowly realized were trying to see perfection before himself, even when he could no longer see it.

Kaname crumbled onto his body, sobs rushing from him that didn't deserve to be spilled for him.

"...p-please Zero... Come back to me... I love you for who you are... You are perfect to me..."

Come back... It was going to be hard, Zero already knew that. even now he wanted to pull that fucking tube out of his arm from feeding toxins into him. But as he stares at his pain wracked lover, something he didn't deserve to suffer, he knew that he had to try.

Try to be perfect... In the right way.

A hand fell to Kaname's cheek and a smirk touched soft lips.

This time, he was going to try.


End file.
